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22 September 2010 @ 09:31 pm
i don't want to be at school anymore.
i want to go home.
and just be done with all of this.

its not ok.
because i'm not okay.

i'm 19.
so i should be okay.
so i shouldn't be a wreck.
and i'm embarrassed.
but at this point i don't freaking care anymore.

i just really want to go home.
and by go home i mean be done with throwing money i don't have into an education i'm not sure i want anymore.

27 July 2010 @ 09:19 pm
i'm still alive.
its been over a year since i've posted anything.
fun stuff.

lots of things have changed, but that what happens when time passes. so enough reminiscing for now.

i like to make money and this summer i've done just that.i've been working and getting sunburn and getting frustrated and eventually getting paid enough so i could open a checking account. so yeah, i guess i've accomplished something.

i had all sorts of angst-ful things to pound out on the keyboard when i decided to go looking for this lj, but now i've got nothing. i'm not in the mood to complain about anything. sorry to disappoint. i'll reimburse you all for it another time i'm sure.
19 July 2009 @ 01:07 pm
lately everthing regarding college is one dark neverending pit.

i need two things by august 31st.
a laptop.
and a car.

and according to my dad i can't get either until i get a job.
but there is no point in me getting a job because i can only work for a month. and then i'm booked till thanksgiving.
who would hire that?
i really thought i had a chance with a bookstore opening at dinosaur state park. i had an interview and everything.
then i got a letter saying the position had already been filled. i was counting on that job.
my mom said she would like to get me a laptop like she did for ali, but she doesn't want to make my dad mad.

and then theres the issue of a car.
i only have $530, all from graduation. how sad is that.
i have no money to buy a car, i have no money for gas. i have no money for insurance.
and i'm not gonna hit the lotto anytime soon.
i feel like such a deadbeat because i don't have a job.
and no one seems to realize that i've been job hunting for an entire freaking year.
i've handed in more applications than i care to imagine.
i've had interviews and follow up phone conversations galore.
and nothing. zip. nada. no freaking luck.
i've been trying so freaking hard. and i have nothing to show for it.
it really makes me wonder if i'm doing something wrong.
maybe i'm not applying to the right places. maybe my resume is pointless. maybe my refrences are bad. maybe i just don't make a good impression. maybe its the fact that i still can't pass for being 18 even though i am.
i can't figure out what i'm doing wrong, and honestly i don't think i am doing anything wrong, but everyone else is quick to judge the opposite.

i just don't know what to do next.
14 July 2009 @ 12:30 am
is 18 credits too much for a 1st semester?
granted two are marching band.
so its really only 16

i want to drop somthing. but my mom insists i take 5 classes :/
does she not recall my stress induced mental breakdowns??
06 July 2009 @ 11:09 am
i'd write an ode. but i don't really know how. and i'm not enticed enough to look up how.
so i'll pass for now.

i have a job interviewww today.
at dinosaur state park. fun right??
i hope i get it because if i don't i'll have a problemm
i won't be able to drive for the rest of the summer..and my mom won't get me a laptop.
i love how selfish i sound, but i don't fee like getting into the details of it all.

i'm in a spiteful mood lately.
its fun. actually no it isn't, it's causing lots of problems..

college is rapidly approaching.
i'm not going to temple as i had hoped a year ago.
when i got my acceptance packet from them i physically cried.
and when i got my financial aid package i cried for joy some more.
but in the end it was still to much money that i don't have.
so i'm going to uconn west hartford instead.
honestly i'm not thrilled. i'm pissed because i feel like i was forced to settle for one thing when i deserve more.
but thats just my opinion. 
everyone keeps saying just to make the most of it. and at this point i don't have a choice.
i just don't think its fair. but fuck. apparently life isn't fair.

but yeah.
this is my update.
i don't have much else to say.
20 October 2008 @ 06:49 pm
i'm so tired of frozen food.

this week is homecominggg..and i love how no one has any idea whats going on. not even bubs.
its kind of an epic week of mass confusionn.
its great.

yeah. thats all i've got for the moment.
for the past few days i've been up and down more times than i care to count.
at the moment i'm in a state of ..blahh.
14 October 2008 @ 04:26 pm
no posts since august?
thats what happens when you begin to have a life i guess

agh. college crap.
i wish someone would just do it for me.
not that i'm lazy or unmotivated..just terrified, which translates into me not doing anything about it at all.

besides that though things have been pretty decent.
i've even started thinking about christmas.
my parents already said that its going to be even smaller than last year.
so i'm only going to ask for one thing.
i just have to decide what that one thing will be..either some sort of technology (a cannon sd790 perhaps?)..or something else i have yet to think of.

i applied for a job at blockbuster yesterday..free rentals?..and cash?..sounds good to me.
i told my dad, he assured me i was "overly qualified for that position"
so hopefully i'll hear back from them soon..because it'd be nice to have a cash flow..and free rentals.

lately i've found myself longing for a cute picture of adam and i..is that lammee?
not to post everywhere for the world to see...but just for me.
maybe eventually one will show up on facebook or something.
06 August 2008 @ 06:28 pm
(i wrapped a blanket around toby's collar today and after 10 minutes he just gave up and walked around looking like either santa or a  lawn gnome for another half hour)

my movie binging has slowed downn.
tomorrow i'll watch my 30th movie of the summer.
and that'll probably be it.

speaking of movies "swing vote" is the most ironic movie i've ever seen.
suddenly republicans encouraged gay marriage and democrats became pro-life.
other than the obvious irony though the rest of the movie was kind of ..bland.

i did my senior pictures yesterday up at grynn and barrett
it was wicked cool.
and i'm excited/terrified to get the proofs.

the next 3 weeks are going to be insane.
i leave saturday until the 13th to go up to maley's lakehouse in new hampshire.
then i test for my license on the 14th.
then bandcamp is the 18th- 22nd.
then a day of choir camp the next week.
then school.

where the freak did summer go?
not like it hasn't been a great summer so far though.
i mean..i've been so busy yet so content with it all.
my mom's going insane though. she thinks my schedule is too packed.

and soon i'll be able to driveee myself around.
that was my original goal for the summer, to drive myself to bandcampp.
and to learn how to drive standard. but that's another story.
31 July 2008 @ 08:44 pm
so my mom told me today that she doesn't think i should be working this fall.
a;ldkjfdfdlfj. i honestly cried.
and then said "well why the fudge am i still slaving over applications????"
apparently they're going to help me out with insurance ( i test on the 14th)
but now i seriously do want a job..just to show them that i can do it, just to spite them. (maybe they're using reverse psych.. )
and because i know that the other half of my family will have a hugee issue with me not paying for it all myself.

i tried a new flag toss that i found online today.
my arm is uber sore...
its only a parallel, but you catch it in a right cradle.
hence the bruises that i'll have tomorrow on my right forearm.

i was told that i look stunning when my hair is pulled back in a knot and i wear dangly earrings.
and now that i've figured out how to get my hair up into a bun that actually stays i think i'll be doing it much more often.
not to be vain or anything.

i have a list of 14 colleges to look into.
and i should have been on a million college tours by now.
but nopeeee.
my parents won't help me out with that.
i already said i'd make the tour appointments. and  book a cheap hotel for a few days down in dc/philedelphia.
but noppee. no help there.

the list includes:
  • temple university
  • james madison university
  • penn state
  • towson
  • american university
  • northeastern
  • drexel university
  • keene state
  • virginia state
  • uconn
  • university of deleware
and others i can't remember.
i can't even tell you how many hours i've spent on collegeboard so far. meh.

i'm acutally reading a book.
pride and prejudice to be exact.
its so aldkjfldfreakingamazingg.
but if you're not into reading just watch the movie. it makes your heart pound just as fast.
22 July 2008 @ 06:03 pm
i. need. a. fucking. job.
my parents are making me so stressed.
and i can't drive, even if i have my license, until i pay for my own insurance.
i'm not going to say its unfair, because it isn't.
but it ffreaking sucks.
i don't know what's up, but for the past two days everything has been heading toward a huge abysmal pit of nothingness.